By Ion Zwitter, Avant News Editor
Washington, D.C., November 4, 2006

In a press release issued today by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld’s special Office of Looking on the Bright Side, the administration pointed out that despite continuing widespread and escalating violence in the chaotic region, nearly 21 million Iraqis have not yet been killed or wounded. This, while a decrease from the 21.5 million not yet killed or wounded highlighted in an earlier announcement, still represents, according to a Rumsfeld spokesmen, "a very large percentage of the populace thus far not yet killed or wounded."

"I think massaging the facts in this particular manner really helps put the whole so-called Iraqi insurgency, quagmire, civil war, catastrophic disaster or what-have-you into proper perspective," Gerald Bulpuppit, spokesman for Donald Rumsfeld’s secret task force on fact massage, said. "What this says is that nearly 21 million Iraqis are doing very well, particularly if you discount the nearly universal absence of reliable food, fuel, water, electricity, government, security, or the extremely high likelihood of getting killed or kidnapped."

Rumsfeld’s Office of Looking on the Bright Side release also pointed out that well over 100,000 U.S. soldiers have not yet been killed or wounded in the ongoing U.S. occupation of Iraq.

"That’s a nice, round number that we hope will help make all Americans feel good inside, whether they are the kind of loyal, patriotic, freedom-loving Americans like Donald Rumsfeld who support the war and the way we’re running it, or the yellow-bellied fascist appeasers who don’t. We’re trying to appeal to the whole demographic spectrum," Mr. Bulpuppit said.

With the recent planned increases in U.S. troop levels in Iraq, Mr. Bulpuppit indicated, those positive numbers are likely to go even higher.

"If we can get troop strength up to 160,000, or even as high as 180,000, then we could see something on the order or 130-140,000 not yet killed or wounded, at least for a while," Mr. Bulpuppit said. "Now that’s a pleasing development in anyone’s book."

When the population of the entire world is considered, the Rumsfeld release explained, over 6.5 billion people have not yet been killed or wounded in Iraq. Similarly, the estimated 30,000 American soldiers killed or wounded in the troubled country represent only about one one-hundredth of one percent of the total U.S. population.

"I mean, come on," Mr. Bulpuppit said. "Those are such tiny numbers you can barely even see them. Mr. Rumsfeld and I hope this little dose of perspective will help make people sit back and consider for a minute whether there's really any real need for all this fuss."