October 9, 2006

Charles Darwin never knew Denny Hastert. If he had, he probably have revised his theories in "The Origin of Species" or, perhaps, scrapped the project altogether.

Evolution is a hoax. We are inextricably linked to a distant ancestor whose mental acuity has not increased in 5 million-years: Homo Moronus; Republican Man.

The truth is that Hastert is to "evolution", what Bush is to "intelligent design"; concrete proof that both theories are firmly planted in evidentiary quicksand.

The Christo-fundamentalists will undoubtedly be enraged to discover that their elected officials can trace their lineage back to single-cell organisms who predictably respond to heat, light and the bribes of well-dressed lobbyists. This is the full-range of their behavior and it hasn’t changed since grizzled men in animal hides chased page boys around the confines of their fire-lit caves.

Nothing has changed.

Hastert, Foley and Bush have all reacted just as one would expect from members of their respective phyla. Foley has checked into Betty Ford clinic; creating the reassuring impression that pedophilia is an alcohol-induced condition. Bush has given his typical B-grade performance of a "morally indignant" leader, and Hastert has wobbled from microphone to microphone issuing his bland proclamations of innocence. These developments are entirely consistent with archeological surveys which demonstrate that Homo Moronus was a "buck-passing" simpleton with an insatiable penchant for young conservative-looking males.

Paleontologist Bernard Lyon, who has carbon-dated many of the mummified remains of Homo Moronus found that they are frequently buried in a Loofa shaped sarcophagi; 6 or 7 to a tomb, in what appears to be a Republican conga-line. Lyon has not, as yet, offered a theory on this phenomenon, but suggests that it may be the earliest example of illicit fund-raising techniques dating back into pre-history.

For many offended Americans, it will be no consolation to know that the activities of Homo Moronus have a long and immutable pedigree and that "evolutionary" change is unlikely. Natural selection has sharpened Moronus’ evasive skills over the millennia making him particularly well-suited for a life in politics.

We should all take heart with the recent developments in the Foley case. It provides even more proof that Darwin’s basic thesis was wrong and that mankind continues to devolve into a mindless blob of protoplasm.